Facebook just emailed me to notify me of changes to my rankings:
#1 best catch (gained 1 place)
#1 most organized (gained 1 place)
#2 person who can drink the most (gained 7 places)
#3 person with the prettiest eyes (lost 1 place)
#4 most cuddly (lost 1 place)
How does anyone other than Jo know how cuddly I am?
OK so some people love gyms, other people join gyms and only go a few times.
The latter type of people go a few times in the first month, maybe attend a few yoga classes, but then there’s this one particular universal gym-fork-in-the-road decision point late on a Sunday late afternoon- we’ve all been there…. dinner is still a couple of hours off and there’s nothing on TV.
You’ve watched all your DVD’s and the little imaginary “wants-to-be-thin you” sitting on your shoulder whispers “you could go to the gym”. So you grab your gym bag; you know the one, it sits by the bed for a few weeks until you kick it under the bed so your shame is hidden. Scouting around under the bed, pushing aside socks and that shoe you lost, you grab your gym bag, and the world seems to slow to half speed. It’s like walking underwater. Then Evil “deep fried mars bars are yummy you” steps on your toe and hides your car keys.
You find your keys in a drawer and get out the door then into the car. It starts, coughs, but kicks into life. You drive to the gym. You park directly out front only to discover the gym has been closed for thirty minutes because it’s Sunday.
But that was the old gym. I’ve now rejoined a well known gym chain which opens all hours and exists in many parts of the country- one of the newest is in Hornsby. I may also use the one in Canberra, or perhaps even the one across the road from work.
Hornsby has a nice big open room with all new equipment, the simpsons on tv, new changerooms with keycard swipe lockers, and between the girls and boys change rooms there’s a steam room, relaxation section and sauna.
That’s right, a steam room and a sauna! Alas no pool. There is a “Please wear swimming costumes” sign which is then double enforced with “unisex area” and then followed up by “Any nudity will be reported” (to whom?). This is Hornsby, not the Tulum Beach Mexico….
I’ve also been allocated a personal trainer, who will assess my fitness (which I think dear reader you could do from where you’re sitting right now) and then suggest an exercising plan (a regime even) which will maximise the chances of me reaching my goal (half-marathon next April). My real goal is to buy a house within a $30 cab ride of the city, but I’m not sure my personal trainer will be able to help me with that goal in only three sessions.
You may have already guessed the half-marathon thing is blue sky thinking as well.
My personal trainer hasn’t called me yet, so I guess I can’t be too unkind to them. They are sure to be some thin fit young gym junkie (barely surviving on rice crackers and the flavoured water from the fridge, bought at a staff discount) who will jump about like SanDeE* and tell me to run faster (I can only hope).
The plan is to commit to the gym once per week, and then when I can schedule regular sessions in my working week, twice per week. I might even ride my bike to the gym (although exercising just to get somewhere where more exercising is going to be done seems a little weird) when they install the bike racks.
But seeing I’m talking futures now and I joined the gym last week… well I have a way to go. And these honey roasted macadamias are SO yummy.
Strip Tarot is a game with a long history, first appearing around 858 coinciding with the end of Pope John the VIII’s reign as Catholic Pope. It is rumoured that some witches, previously worried about being condemned to death for witchcraft, created the game taking the opportunity of the appearance of the white smoke to try to introduce new exciting ways of attracting more members to the craft.
Of course this went spectacularly badly, and as a direct result witchcraft invokes themes of half nakedness globally.
1. You’ll need a tarot deck. Most book stores which sell heavily discounted books on their way to being pulped have numerous Tarot packs and shelves of instruction manuals. You won’t need the instruction manual for this game, and many people leave these manuals which come with some decks at bus stops where multiple bus routes cross. The reasons are unclear but strangely poignant.
2. While the original rules included a fire, it’s probably safer to do without. Pick a comfortable, warm and preferably private location. Graveyards, church crypts, on top of a toilet block, primary schools- these are all bad places for Strip Tarot.
3. The deck should be carefully shuffled by the most psychic of the group (the dealer) and then split between the players (the soon to be naked). Counting the number of clothes each member has on at the start of the game has no bearing on the outcome as the deck will control the game.
4. Each player will need to pick a suit. Major arcana are left in the pack and cannot be chosen as a suit. For a two player game players must pick two suits. For a three player game a spirit guide will step in and play the left over suit (the spirit guide cannot lose). In the case there are more people than suits suits may be split in half by odds and evens, but never split further.
5. The deck is then cut, and evenly distributed to the players in a similar manner to a standard deal, starting with the player to the left and around the circle (no chanting is required).
6. Once each person has their cut of the deck the fun begins. In turn each person is to select from their deck a card (from the top, from the bottom, middle- spirit guidance is allowed but encouraged only on a full moon). If the card pulled is matches the suit chosen in step 4, the player loses the round and in turn loses clothing. Socks count, but watches don’t as fate is not bound in time or space.
7. If a major arcana card is pulled the player is allowed to put clothing back on (this rule is often skipped in favour of doing a lap around the group by the individual, or shots of absinthe mixed with mandarin vodka; screaming and wailing often ensues and should be not allowed to get out of control. Players particularly prone to possession should carry the symbol of the Star of David surrounded by a flaming sun to limit long term high level possessions).
8. The winner is announced as the last person the Tarot has allowed to remain clothed.
Further rules have appeared at time to time. Some of these include the replacement of rule 8 with options which involve goats, bindings (both magical and physical) and further acts involving the enactment of images on particular cards (the Decameron Tarot is a popular choice for this kind of game). Replacement rules often involve lude behaviour.
Other alternatives include the sculling of a drink in lieu of removal of clothing, however when this rule is engaged players often find themselves naked quicker than normal. It is not known if this is an impact of drinking while tempting the Tarot, or playing strip Tarot while drinking. The Tarot does not like to be trifled with (a great mix of jelly, cream and alcohol soaked biscuits- possibly useful following the reading).
But most of all, enjoy Strip Tarot responsibly. Remember the Tarot only shows you the path and your options. What you make of those options is up to you.
Buttered Side Up 